From Doubt to Triumph
A guest post from Dr. Anon who doubted themself in passing the boards
Trigger Warning: Suicidal Ideation
In today’s newsletter, we are featuring a written piece and some poetry shared by our licensed doctor who was once unsure of taking that leap of faith but eventually found out that their braveness brought success in achieving the main goal: a license to practice.
To say that I had a difficult time was an understatement. Days, afternoons, nights of self-doubt and anxiety – this was my PLE reality.
Diagnosed with MDD and GAD during med school, I struggled more than the average student. Add to that the pressure of being the eldest and the first to-be doctor in the family. I lost the why’s I held onto during my high school and undergraduate years when I was a naïve hopeful dreamer. I did not recognize myself.
It came to the point when the choice to end it all during the middle of board review knocked at my door so loudly. I peeked over the ledge and imagined just jumping.
5.29.2021
When the wind blew the strongest,
that's when I was the closest...
to jumping off the rail of the tower
When did start getting to a point of no return?
Why has God allowed me to continue this when there's so much uncertainty?
Why can't I just jump and let the wind lead?
I'm sorry.
Mostly for myself who's weary.
I hope somehow all turns out well.
After all the tears you've cried, something good must come out of this.
08.30.2021
The thing about dying but still pursuing something is surprising myself.
It's feeling that the next thing will be so hard that it drives me off the edge, but getting there and enduring.
Still, the enduring gets tiring.
And it's a cycle of getting through, with blood, sweat, tears shed along the way.
It's the trying that's tiring.
But I see the power of the Almighty, in all these.
It's the trying for something bigger than myself
During the review period, I used the word “tired” a lot to simplify all the complicated thoughts and emotions I’ve felt. I never doubted myself the way I doubted during that period.
What kept me going is the tiny hopeful voice that encouraged the dreamer in me once again. Somehow our financial constraints also became a motivation to take the October 2021 PLE despite the bad schedule and poor overall health status of the nation at that time. I needed money to help my family.
So, like Miles Morales’ leap of faith, I opted to jump headfirst to answer hundreds of questions during that 4-day consecutive PLE. The first day was the worst because I cried a lot right after, thinking of how I’m going to fail the whole boards. Still, I got back up and pushed myself to get it over with since the results are still unknown.
Eventually, the day when the announcement of results came. For the first time in so so long, I was able to cry tears of joy.
As Sasha Sloan sings, “Rolling even on the bad days
You just gotta keep, gotta keep on
You just gotta keep on”